The man I want to be

Last night, I was sitting alone at a bar trying to decompress after a stressful week. I was drinking and smoking and had half-heartedly made some plans to sit and write a blog post or something, but I knew I probably was just going to doom scroll alone, surrounded by others but alone.

But against my best efforts to be a loner, an old man struck up a conversation with me. He bought me jugs of beer and I provided him cigarettes. It was objectively a worse deal for him, but he insisted it was fine.

It must be a rule of life that when you become an old man, you’re obliged to give out free advice to strangers at a pub. Because this seems to happen to me more often than not.

Some advice I received last night, from someone who supposedly has travelled the world, lived in half a dozen different countries, made millions and jumped at career changes left, right, and centre:

I should concern myself more with money, and not be so naïve as to think money doesn’t concern me. After all, the world revolves around it.
Take life by the balls, especially when I have nothing left to lose.
Go to Japan, leave the past behind, and take any new opportunities as they come.
Stop sitting in the background, and start believing I have the ability to be myself. The man I want to be.

This got me thinking obviously, because it’s true: I am a pretty hesitant person. I lack the kind of self-confidence required to get what I really want out of life.

So what is it I want out of life? I want to leave a list here:

Travel. I want to immerse myself in whatever cultures I find fascinating.
Fitness. I don’t ever want to be held back because of my health.
Kindness. I want to treat people with the same kindness that so many have given to me.
Teaching. I have always wanted to spread the joy of maths and science, especially to those who’ve been burned by it, or haven’t seen the beauty in it yet.
Enough money. I don’t think I’m necessarily huffing copium when I say I’m not interested in being wealthy. But money affords opportunities and comfort, of which I want both.
Free thinker. I won’t end up like one of those old people who are prime targets for misinformation on Facebook or big media corporations.

The list is not as well thought out as I’d like at this point, but I will continue to review and refine it. But to help cement the idea, I’ve included a list of things I don’t want in my life as well.

Don’t be a slave. I simply cannot continue being a slave to addiction. It is just not something I can continue to let happen to me.
Don’t stagnate. I’m personally okay to be comfortable in my job, or treat it as a means to an end. But outside the context of work, I don’t ever want to stop learning and improving.
Don’t be afraid. I won’t let my personal fears, especially a fear of the unknown or anxious thoughts about my capabilities, get in the way of opportunities if they are out there.

A couple things I’ve left undecided for now:

Do I want to have kids one day?
Is there a future where I can be responsible with my drinking, or is it a lost cause?

That’s all for now, I guess. I have these values of mine written down and that’s all I can do for the time being. Maybe later I can revisit this list and reflect a bit more deeply.

At the end of the day, I won’t change overnight. Maybe being the man I want to be consists of lots of small changes, and lots of mistakes. Each day is a new day and all I can do is aim to be a little bit better each time I wake up.